who can i talk to?

I am going to leave much of this out.. It's long and confusing. Some I will not talk about period.

After 20 years of drinking myself to death and avoiding medical help, my body was a wreck. I was diagnosed with gout in 2011 while in jail. As the swelling was going down i was given meds.. Well, it came right back and it was worse, plus it was daily meds. No thanks.. Obviously I don't go for dr. Help often.

It came and went in my left big toe.. I dealt with it. Years later my knee and elbow on my right side would balloon, i assumed they were from past accidents.. I skateboarded for 12 years... I fucked my body up. In 2016 i learned it could in fact affect any joint.

Late 2015 thru first quarter 2016 it was nonstop, couldn't work, etc.. I decided to stop drinking. The pain would lead me to drink, to dull it and forget my past. By this time i was smoking weed to help with pain and inflamation whick helped. I don't like opioids, chomped them too much and they are too addictive for me.

At this time both ankles, right knee, right wrist and elbow were swollen to the point they didn't bend. It took 15 minutes to be able to get to the bathroom 10 feet away. Pain was excruciating. Anyway, i had enough, it along with life was too much.. By the way, i had denounced god years earlier, i was "saved" prayed to jesus, etc.. (But praying to jesus seemed stupid so i went to the source). I figured I'd pray to satan, why not? God Didn't listen maybe it would.

So there's a small backstory..sorry

Well, fast forward, i was laying in bed in agony and i said ro God. " If this is how i have to live.. I don't want to live anymore". It's too much pain" ( I can handle a lot ) not bragging just saying.

Rifht after that, i was standing looking at my feet... 0 pain.. I could hear laughter and looked up to see myself, flopping on my bed laughing, i watched until i was face down, arms at ny sides and head at foot of bed, laughter stopped, small.. Grunt? Poof.....

I was in a large room almost like a balcony. I knew exactly where i was at, no shock, no where am i?.. I just started walking ro what i knew was god... Screaming and cussing at him.. Fuck you! Motherfucker! What am i doing here? I denounced you!.(.went on for a bit)

God turned to me and kind of put his hand out. A wave of understanding and love i have never felt washed over me and i started crying.. God said, you've been gone for so long, you forgot who you truly are.. He said, come to me, let me remind you... Bah! Crying writing this.

I went to him and visions or memories started like a movie. Mind you this gets confusing because i would see what he said but remember it other ways.. Different scenarios, kinda.. Like we did it this way AND this way and that way. Anywho.. I was standing to the right of God,( knowing what i know now i think someone was to his left..He's quite large, i didn't see past him.) we looked out into nothing.. It was just dark. He motioned and the universe appeared then reached into a (bag?) and threw a handful of seeds that went to the planets and we began to move through the universe.. I watched the planets transform to blue and greens as we passed them. Life! Wr traveled for a while ( time was obsolete with him) in the distance i could see a small planet alone, darkness surrounding it. As we got closer i could feel the hatred toward god for being forgotten, unseeded, without light.. It was seething with hatred. God made her a star and it seemed he pulled the galaxy closer. She calmed and he gave her a moon to light the dark nights and took a seed as i watched closely and y threw it to her.. I just started laughing.. A marijuana seed?!?

He said, it's the easiest way!

I watched as she transformed. A large land mass surrounded by water and becoming green with life. I told him, father, i want to be a part of that. He said, then go.. I also saw going there in space ships and planting seeds, leaving and returning later.

I watched myself in numerous lives. The plant rotting and becoming the bacteria to start life. Being fish, insects, animals and reptiles. I saw aliens helping us they would change dna once evolution would slow.. I also remember avoiding the aliens and doing it naturally.

I saw being different people in several eras and finally being on a cross.. I came out of the vision laughing and crying at the same time.. Telling him how sorry i was.. That i had forgotten. I began saying, i was jesus?? That doesn't make sense! I worshipped him! The irony hit me and laughter began again. I wanted more information but he said, to go on the other room.

I walked to a room and as i entered there was a large boardroom style table and chairs.. I knew my seat was at tge right end near the entry, so i sat down.

I looked across the table and saw a guy sitting at the opposite end, he had a shit eating grin and i knew who it was.. My brother.. And even though it made no sense to me according to the bible.. I also knew it was Lucifer.
Back to screaming and cussing.. I had short burts of memories as i yelled.. Him chasing me and sensing people after me.

He said, Whoa! You wouldn't stop! You just kept going! You forgot what we were doing, you forgot our plan! Let me show you what was going on...

I haven't laughed so hard in my life, yet.. I saw so many different angles of whats been tried and done. I'm not going to get into it yet, but it was basicly a game we set up to teach and learn and ultimately evolve. We played roles to teach.. I chose to be jesus.. We chose to be good and evil. Problem is, it Didnt work.. Another story, another day. I left the room happy that i understood more.. But i was still confused and i was wary of Lucifer.

I walked back to the creator and he asked what i was going to do? I asked to explore the universe and began exploring the stars, time is connected, past, present and future all at once in seperate universes or worlds with different rules according to the game. I watched being people in differwnt eras of the past. I went to the future and watched as earth exploded...

What i would describe as a star came from the center of the planet. Its soul.. I watched as the soul approached it became the glint of an eye.. Then i recognized the eye and began crying. As it neared it formed into a face. My mothers face. My mom, is Gaia, motherearth in the flesh. I also understood its Satan. Now I'm real fuxking confused. I played the role of jesus, my brother is Lucifer, father is the creator and my mother, who god seeded and lucifer and my soul were made into the men we are today were born from is satan? At least thats how i was looking at it. Mind fucked!

I went back to god confused, but understanding at the same time.. He asked again, what are you going to do? Are you going to stay here with me? Go back? Or, try again?

I said, if mom comes home and finds me dead, it will kill her.. Again she will hate you, she will feel alone again and begin to push you away after all we did to prove your love to her. I don't want to see her in pain of losing me she already lost my brother to cancer.. I know the pain I'm in, but i would rather deal with it knowing what i've learned than have her feel lost and alone again. Im not done yet! Send me back!

I came to with a gasp.. That turned into a vacuum, i just kept inhaling to the point it was scaring me. It was as if i was a 50 foot giant, it just kept coming.. My back was arching my arms were coming up to wherw my head was. I was inhaling myself into standing up, somehow. I got to my feet stumbling like a newborn calf.. Still sucking air and finally it stopped and then i puked like the excorcist movie, projectile on my wall, xbox dvd vcr, laughing i puked in the air on myself, scared, i sat down and tried to figure out what just happened?..

One side was saying, look... You didn't sleep well the last few days, you passed out and had a crazy dream.. The other side, said, no, no no...you watched yourself flop on the bed and let out your last air.. You were your soul.. Watching your flesh.. Nah! That can't happen you're losing it! I was looking around the room trying to piece it together and visions of past meeting future and doing this before, many times began. I started hearing horns playing. Trumpets.. Loud.. To the point i was looking out my window for some idiots on my street. The visions of past started again and it was like with god again, a movie, the horns played until i was going to rip my hair out. I was about to yell and curse god again, you can't make other music!? Wtf? You're god!!

Boom! Everything went black and started over except i was better, faster etc.. The horns were now playing with cymbals and new visions! Again it got old.. The poof! Over again with new instruments and new visions, until it was an orchestra with rap lyrics like emenim and it was now! This time, this era!

I started dancing, i don't know how to dance but it felt natural, moving with the beat and flow.. Revived, new! Ballet, hiphop, the jitterbug the monkey, each change of the music a new dance.. Then they turned into fights and combat proficiency, the dances became martial arts and the happiness turned to anger. Visions of being chased and hunted started again. I fell over crying with rage and then i saw myself at the window watching, waiting, time was irrelevant again.. i was watching patterns, it was as if i was in a loop.. It was me but with new tattoos.. ( that i now have on my forearm) dunno if they're the same but still..

I got up screaming, throwing gang signs and yelling you don't know who you're fucking with!!! Then poof! Visions of lucifer, hunting me again.. It was now, nit eons ago.. Now! We basicly had clics or gangs of people we chose along this endless journey. No cops.. Our people controlled everything his people were allowed in my area, but there were rules. Vicea versa. He kept getting in and each time the world ended and we started over, like a save game now though. Not from the very beginning, but now. Over and over... Til, again, i couldn't handle it.. I was at the table again, my brother wasnt there.. I was yelling at god again telling him it won't stop!

He asked, what should we do?
I said, give me half of lucifers soul, and him half of mine. Then he will know what i know and we will both be good and evil. No need to hunt me. God laughed and said, it's about time!

Poof, back in my room on the floor laughing and crying in joy. I sat on my bed, soaked in sweat, confused.. Whats going on? I've lost my mind! Is this real??.. Looking at myself, i started laughing again, puke and sweat covered, I've been dancing, shadow fighting being a fucking ninja and my joints are swollen as hell! But they all bend perfectly without pain.. I began crying in joy thanking my father the creator.

Deciding its shower time, i took a much needed shower , grabbed a drink and went back to my room and laid down.

A new vision began as i stared at the ceiling. From this time back to the beginning and back again, it wss a mixture of movies, games and books.. Fairy tales and magic. Evolution, angels and demons, sci-fi starwars and everything that we brought with us.. Starring myself and the people i met along the journey. The idiocy of all of it gods tremendous array of humor and love from him and my mother. I thought, i could never laugh as much as i did with lucifers story of this game we've played since day one, or cry as much as i did with gods tale of this life, or my mothers sorrow and yhe lies behind her. Bur... I was wrong. I cried and laughed the entire time. It seemed like an hour or two. It was truly the greatest movie i have ever seen. I wish i could show all of this in picture and sound. So its the end of this "movie" and im on a stage over looking a ton of people.. Many stars were up front.. Pro skaters, friends musicians, etc. And on stage behind me atood three people.
Two i knew off the bat. One i learned two days later. One was, Anthony Bourdain, another was Giorgio Tsoukolos or however its spelled. The other i learned of on youtube.. From a video called, brick in yo face, Stitches the rapper.

Odd.. I'm not gangster but i won't back down, im no chef but i love cooking, food and travel, no scientist or alien fanatic but i do love them both.. They are mirrors of my personality maybe if you morphed them together it would look like me, who knows? I came out of this, my pillow soaked in greatful and joyful tears, thanking god for this journey..God said, this is my gift to you.

But confused as all hell, still!..

I remembered a show i wanted to watch and turned on the tv.. That show was just starting, it was 7 pm. My mom left the house at around 11am,.. I told god, i quit soon after.. 8 hours had passed in what only seemed a few hours... Wtf? Fuck it! The show began and a guy appeared, i did a tripple take while pointing at the tv, yelling thats him! Thats lucifer! My brother!

I had a few visions watching the show and noticed i had already seen the show before, my room was arranged differently, but, i had seen it.. Not in the past, but the future. I was watching it to remind myself.. To wake up.

I was seeing my brother as who he is now.. Like a reintroduction? How he's changed!

The next few days were up and down, i couldn't sleep, my mind raced. Was that real? Any of it? Questioned myself constantly.. Needless to say i lost it. Who can i tell? I was alone.

Hey, mom.. You're satan, i was jesus, lucifers my brother and i was here to protect you. My mom, was once in the brotherhood of satan, shes now christian, loves god to death.. Reads the bible constantly along with other versions of it. Hebrew, etc. She ain't gonna buy that...

I was in and out of jail, psych wards state hospitals for the rest of the year.. Recently went in again.. To both.. A few times. On meds that don't help, i still have visions or wake up like some alien, robot, demi god thing and do kungfu, talk in other languages get pissed, think people are after me or are watching me somehow.. Illuminati type shit, since we already did all of this. Just doing it differently.

Been tazed 5 times, almost caught the prongs once, i was able to rip one out before it got the better of me. I've been in hell since this happened. On probation for assaulting two guards while locked up, after trying to break out of a mental ward.. Just got thrown in jail for pi last week.. I was sober.. Doesn't matter to them. I swear! They know something.. First tome i got tazed the cop called out my last name as he approached me. Don't know him.. People in the psychwards would say shit to me about things they could not have known.. People that work there did as well.

They lock me up, i forget everything.. Then it cones back and i run it through my head and remember... They drug me up, i forget all goes normal.. I m released and i begin remembering again and the cycle starts over . i am getting better at controlling the anger but, the things ive seen that they did to my family, mom, namely. Thats another story.. I left out a whole lot.

Any help would be great. I know I'm going to get a lot of flac from the readers and trolls. But, honestly its better than what I've gotten so far.. I can't tell the doctors, they just label me more and drug me more. Already got bi-polar psychophrenic. Waiting for truman syndrome and whatever else..

Thank you for reading.
- Son of god and satan, brother of lucifer. What the fuck is my angelic name?

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bluesbaby5050: Who can I talk to?

You can talk to me, or Tarheel. We are both past middle age, and we have wisdom from our life's journey. Please feel free to message either of us in this forum or in our private inboxes. We will gladly answer any of your questions. I have a question for you, How did you find TruthControl? I'm just curious after reading your story. Thank you for sharing.

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