I lived a very rough life of depression and drug abuse. No guides or role modules. Long story short I always questioned why we lived the way we did because it has never felt natural. Most of us, almost 65% of Americans and I assume more from my experiance feel this way and blame it on material problems. Then we have mixed emotions because what we are taught and what the world tells us the problem is doesn't spiritually feel right but our mental programming is to hard to overcome and we self destruct.
After a long battle of this and constant atempts to re-enter society I feel victim to the same controls, dispite my new knowledge. I made up my mind to just life off the grid, find my spirit and let it lead me to death or freedom because I knew to try the way of life they told me I needed disspite the overwhelming truth that it works for no one, would end in just spiritual disaster. The universe is funny and our fates are ever testing. I left my last stint in prison (anyone who thinks because I spent a lot of time in prison makes me dumb or a lesser human please stop reading and procede to the nearest pharmacy ask for Viagra and it will help you to go fuck yourself. ((Hellsing Abridged, Team Fourstar)) I was to set out on this mission.
That funny thing the universe does I said earlier was I stumbled into a person I felt truly loved me and cared for me. She came from the other side of the fence, the American Pie life. (her damn dads favorite song, imagine that!) She comes from a very materialistic world, and has been programmed that it is how you live. I think her whole attraction to me was that I( did not think that way and that I was the answer to her sadness. We worked and now run her family diner she was told she would own. Her retired parents own it, and we run it like we own it for over 3 years now. He has made no advancements to help her gain it, he is all comsummed by greed. (he on a whim went out and bought a corvette just to show it off and brag about how he will never use it and wants his kids to fight over it). I know being that abused by your parents is sad. She is costastlly lead on a string and it makes her sad. The last year I put mass presure on her to let me follow my goals, unfortinately the work force sucks and the company can not run without me.
This is not a battle of who is right, but what is right. I have no fear of death. I know this is not the end or beginning. I still want to be free and live. My only thought and I did skip[ over this key point was because I feel in love with her and now did not live the way I thought might work and went back to the way that didn't was because of my love and care for this beautiful soul. I feel down and she picked me up. She feel down and I picked her up. In reality she lives no differant than before she meet me. I know shes is happier and better cared for, and I am too. The fact that I know we love and why we have been so sad layely is because we are chasing the american pipe dream. The best example is the man she thinks she wants to be, her father. He finally retired in a huge home, has more money than he can spend but does not provide his children who work for them health insurance even though they are now entering thier 40's and live unhealthy lives. He is not dumb he knows if they get sick no insurance plan will take them, but the dollar is more important. She sees that but will not accept it.
My point for this is for peoples thoughts. I want to leave, I stay cause I rather die than hurt her. I do not and can never know how she thinks or feels. It is a stubborn thing to do, but I just can not trust my own thoughts. These last three months I really evauluated society around me and know I am sure it isn't me. Everyone is the same. Stressed, broken, overworked, chasing objects, and not paying anymind to their souls and spirits. My fear is how long do I have, if I live for nothing I die for nothing. When I aks her whats she wants out of life she says she wants to be happy with me, witch is not a goal or a thing, an meaningless idea you think you should say. I want to live minimal and work and live with in our means. I want to spend my time helping and teaching and trying to open people up to the truth that material will never make you happy, others, love, goals, and spirit are the only things that will